Why save money for tomorrow?

Today we might die in a road accident or plane crash

Today we might die of bomb blast, gunshot or stab wounds

Today we might die in an earthquake or tsunami

Today we might die of cancer, malaria, diabetes, TB...

So why save money for tomorrow?

Today the banks keeping our savings might go bankrupt

Today listed companies might not pay dividends to us shareholders during those annual general meetings

Today stock markets might crash with our stocks

Today our wives might file for divorce and the courts award them half our assets

So why save money for tomorrow?

Today our governments might devalue our countries' currencies

Today armies might topple governments

Today our governments might raise taxes

So why save money for tomorrow?

Today our friends drive luxury vehicles and we don't want to be the odd ones out

Today our friends wear designer clothes and shoes and we don't want to be the odd ones out

Today our friends sport the latest mobile phones and we don't want to be the odd ones out

Today our friends live in posh neighbourhoods and we don't want to be the odd ones out

Today our friends holiday abroad and we don't want to be the odd ones out

So why save money for tomorrow?

Today someone might request us to assist them settle their hospital bills

Today someone might request us to assist them meet their kin funeral expenses

Today a church or school official might request us to assist them construct buildings

Today a couple might request us to assist them meet their wedding bills

Today our retired parents might request us to repair their leaking roofs

So why save money for tomorrow?

Today companies might launch promotions that will enable us win cars, houses, holidays, airtime...

Today someone might promise us to double our money in minutes if we hand it over to them, close our eyes and pray

Today businesses might raise the prices of goods and services

So why save money for tomorrow?

copyright 2007: festus mbuimwe aka wamoronjia

 

Why did you split up?

After he lay his eyes on you he decided to pursue you

''Not so fast,'' you said, arresting him in his tracks

First, you had to certify that he had a solid financial foundation

Second, that he complimented you and made you laugh

Third, that he treated you with respect

Fourth, that he wanted a long-term relationship, not a one-night stand

Only after satisfying these requirements did you issue him a visa to your heart

He however had simple requirements: as long as you could cook and exhibited childbearing potential

After some years of phone calls, SMS, emails, lunch, dinner, picnics and movies

After some incidents of breaking up, making up and vice versa

One day he went down on one knee and asked, ''Honey, will you marry me?''

The rest, as it's claimed, is her story and his story

The sun brightened your wedding day like a newborn child brightens its parents' lives

The groom's party ensured their suits spotted no soot

The bridal party ensured they were pretty to the tee

Guests and gatecrashers were in high spirits as if they were high on narcotics

Inside the church building you tenderly held each other's ring fingers and lovingly looked into each other's eyes and like nursery school pupils on their first day, you repeated your marriage vows after the clergyman uttered them

A passionate kiss sealed the agreement

You were receptive to all breeds of advice at the reception

''A good wife does this and doesn't do that''

''A good husband does this and doesn't do that''

You received tonnes of gifts though some were generic

A political party membership was unnecessary  to join the evening party

You were still over the moon after your honeymoon

But you had to land back on earth, fast

Then it was back to normal: work, bills, in-laws, etc

The children arrived, the responsibilities increased

The '' I love you'' calls and SMS's reduced, flowers disappeared

Sex became boring, frowns replaced smiles, in-laws took sides

Did we make you split up? Did the financial, physical and moral responsibilities of maintaining a family become unbearable? P   pressure at work? What made you no longer want to see or speak to one another?

Why do you lie to your children that the other is to blame?

They deserve to know why you split up so that they can get on with their lives

copyright 2007: festus mbuimwe aka wamoronjia

Why are you pressuring them to tie the knot?

You won't be present when he spots that beautiful chick

You won't be present when he summons the guts to approach her

You won't be present when he prays she doesn't diss him

So why are you pestering him about when he will marry?

You won't be present when she sees him approaching her

You won't be present when she prays he doesn't use a tired pick-up line

You won't be present when she hopes he's brushed his teeth and applied roll-on

So why are you pestering her about when she will get married?

You won't be present when he fears she's after his money

You won't be present when he fears she will abscond if he loses his job

You won't be present when he fears there are other richer men pursuing her

So why are you pestering him about when he will marry?

You won't be present when she fears he's only after her body

You won't be present when she fears he will emotionally and physically abuse her

You won't be present when she fears he's a womaniser

So why are you pestering her about when she will get married?

You won't be present when his parents say she's not good enough for him

You won't be present when her parents say he's not good enough for her

You won't be present when both his and her friends support those views

So why are you pressuring them to tie the knot?

You won't be present when he proposes to her

You won't be present when he prays she says, "''Yes!''

Should she agree, you won't be present when they argue about the wedding budget, location, date, invitation list...

So why are you pressuring them to tie the knot?

You won't be present when he ponders whether he's marrying the right woman

You won't be present when she ponders whether she's marrying the right man

You won't be present when he no longer daily tells her, ''Darling, I love you.''

You won't be present when she claims she has a 'headache'

So why are you pressuring them to tie the knot?

You won't be present when they struggle to feed, clothe and educate their children

You won't be present when their teenage kids experiment with drugs, sex, booze...

You won't be present when they strive to accommodate their extended families' financial demands

So why are you pressuring them to tie the knot?

You won't be present when he's tempted to cheat on her

You won't be present when she's tempted to cheat on him

When death do them part, you won't be present as one grieves

So why are you pressuring them to tie the knot?

copyright 2007: festus mbuimwe aka wamoronjia

We are proud to be kenyans

We don't buy books, we don't buy original CDs and DVDs

We don't buy either life or medical insurance

They are too expensive

We buy mobile phones, suits, shoes, cars, electronics and subscribe to pay TV

If we can't afford weddings we will organise 'goat eating' parties, invite you and expect your generous contribution

We can't tolerate burying our kith and kin in cemeteries or cremating them

Instead we hold harambees to cater for their transport and burial expenses, invite you and expect your generous contribution

We have electricity in our homes yet we charge our mobile phones at work

We are proud to be kenyans

When we vie for parliamentary seats we demand our tribes' unequivocal support

Once in parliament we skip as many sessions as possible except when there's a bill proposing to increase our already appetising pay and allowances

We specialise in calling press conferences and rallies to insult our political opponents

Yes men and women constitute our Constituencies Development Fund committees

After 5 years we seek re-election using copious currency notes as our primary campaign tool, not our development records

We are proud to be kenyans

We frequently use our mobile phones to 'flash' others

Or lie about our whereabouts when we answer calls from spouses and bosses

We throw bottles, paper bags, wrappers, cigarette butts, out of our vehicles' windows

We hoot at vehicles ahead of us in traffic jams, we jump red lights, we jaywalk

We spit anywhere there's a surface, please keep your face and shoes out of the way

We neither allow passengers to alight from matatus, nor let people step out of lifts

We unapologetically barge in

When public universities experience power blackouts we will stone your vehicles

We are proud to be kenyans

When it rains, when we disagree with government policies,

When we protest against harassment by traffic police officers

When Easter, Christmas and New Year's holidays arrive,

We double, triple, even quadruple bus fares

We instantly raise pump prices when global crude oil prices increase

But rarely reduce the former when the latter fall

We seldom renovate our commercial and residential buildings

''Tenant, why is your rent late?''

We are proud to be kenyans

We beg for handouts from our urban-based relatives

We oblige our grown-up children to take care of us in our old age

We expect our husbands to pay all the bills, update our wardrobes, take us out regularly, say, ''I love you,'' often and satisfy us in bed

We expect our wives to be loyal, cook, clean, look sexy, bear us sons and continuously forgive us for our flings

We are proud to be kenyans

copyright 2007: festus mbuimwe aka wamoronjia   

We are advised to look up to you

Your wife no longer looks beautiful and sexy

Her cooking is bland, her nagging surpasses the rate of inflation

You discover that the pastor is now her bosom friend

Instead of talking things over you decide it's time to spark old flames

Yet we are advised to look up to you

Your husband no longer looks handsome

His stomach resembles an oil barrel and his performance in-between the sheets? oh shit!

He spends more time in his office seat than with you in cineplex seats

''Darling, I love you,'' is nowadays deficient in his vocabulary

You no longer laugh at his jokes, his wallet is a restricted area

Instead of talking things over you decide it's time to spark old flames

Yet we are advised to look up to you

Your rich brother dies but first let's mourn

After a cross has speared his grave you reckon it's time to inherit his wife and children

If she resists an eviction is in order, please take only your belongings with you

Yet we are advised to look up to you

Before you render a service you demand a bribe

Before you give him or her a job you demand sex

Before you sell a product you wink at your customers and ask them whether they want a receipt with the purchase or not

Yet we are advised to look up to you

copyright 2007: festus mbuimwe aka wamoronjia

Unprepared for the obituaries

We desire to meet beautiful, intelligent, charming women

Women who earn their own incomes and pay their own bills

Women who will sometimes be willing to go dutch or even take us out at their expense

They may refuse to wash our clothes or scrub floors, but we hope they can and are willing to cook

We desire to meet women who won't solely judge us on the depth of our wallets, height or penis sizes

But judge us mainly according to our character

Women who listen more to their hearts and less to their friends

Women who won't pressure us into a commitment and marriage before we are ready

Women who will maintain their beauty and sexiness even after the honeymoon

Women who will respect and get along with our mothers

Women who will birth healthy babies who will later do well in school, get good jobs, move out of our homes and start their own families

Before then, we pray our faces don't appear in the obituaries

We desire to meet tall, rich, handsome men

Men who will make us go weak in the knees and dramatically increase our heartbeats

Men who will dine us in the finest restaurants, buy us luxurious gifts and fly us to exotic holiday destinations

Men who will hold doors and pull seats for us, men who will call us daily to say, "  How was your day baby?"   ''I'm sorry baby,'' ''I love you baby,'' ''Good night baby''

Men who drive luxurious cars and live in posh neighbourhoods

Men who will focus our eyes on ours' and not on our cleavages (at least on the first date)

Men who will assist us cook and wash dishes

Men who are unafraid of commitment, propose marriage and don't stray

Men who consistently give us multiple orgasms

Men who will be excellent providers to our children

Children who will later do well in school, get good jobs, move out of our homes and start their own families

Men who will spend more time with us than with the boys watching football or at work

Men whose mothers won't interfere in our marriages

Before then, we pray our faces don't appear in the obituaries

We believe we can make our societies better by making a difference

So we vie for parliamentary seats or the presidency

We print T-shirts, we upload websites, we send SMS,' we spend much time on the road strategising, building alliances, addressing rallies, raising campaign funds

We woo voters by promising them smooth roads, affordable education and healthcare, jobs, security, less regulations and taxes for businesses...

Once in office we aim to fulfill our promises

And pray that neither corruption nor sex scandals derail our plans

After the expiry of our terms we aspire to leave unmatched legacies

Before then, we pray our faces don't appear in the obituaries

One day we plan to stop taking orders from our bosses and be our own bosses

We aim to determine our market value, when to go to work, when to leave, when to take leave...

Despite lack of start-up capital and an abundance of discouragement from colleagues, friends, spouses and relatives

We pray our businesses will crawl, walk, run and fly

Create employment for others, contribute to our countries' economies and tax collections

Peerhaps  later take our companies public or leave them to our offspring and pray they survive beyond three generations

Before then, we pray our faces don't appear in the obituaries

copyright 2007: festus mbuimwe aka wamoronjia 

Unappreciated

Your calling is to impart knowledge to both adults and children

Your tools of the trade comprise feet, chalk, dusters and voices

You walk to and fro blackboards, write, rub off, ask questions, get answers or sometimes stares, advise and emphasise

The pay is poor but you persevere

When candidates pass national examinations few of us credit you

But when they fail we demand either for your sackings or transfers

During passing out parades you pledge to serve everybody without fear or favour

You wear blue shirts, blouses, trousers, berets, black boots and bear arms

The pay and accommodation are pathetic but you persevere

When crime escalates we say you are inefficient, corrupt...

When you kill armed suspects we accuse you of violating their human rights

When you die in the line of duty your families grieve alone and suffer financial meltdowns

We wake up every morning and find you have prepared breakfast

We wake up every morning and find you have ironed our clothes and polished our shoes

We rush to school and work without thanking you or wishing you a nice day

We come back in the evening and find you have cooked dinner

We come back in the evening and find you have cleaned our homes

We accommodate, feed and even clothe you, so why should we pay you the minimum wage?

But you persevere

Your hourglass figure attracts fathers and sons

Daily your fists bang matatus' bodies as you yell for passengers

Uncombed hair, unironed clothes, cigarette breath, facial scars are your badges of honour

Your speed and sometimes the old-boy networks determine your wages

After passengers fill a matatu, conductors toss you a 'blue' coin to your thirsty palms

We question the relevance of your services

Because who doesn't know his/her destination?

We heed the call that the youth should employ themselves instead of searching for employment

Some of us then buy socks, skirts, kitchenware, bras, blouses...

Line them on pavements and beseech passers-by to buy them for a song

But shopkeepers complain we are blocking their entrances, ruining their businesses and evading taxes

The local authorities criticise us for littering the streets after we leave

The government bans hawking in the city centre but we defy it, prompting riot policemen to bang sense into our skulls

Sometimes we flee peacefully, sometimes we first torch electricity transformers

copyright 2007: festus mbuimwe aka wamoronjia    

Tie his vasa

He trusts condoms but recognises they sometimes burst during passionate penis and vagina collision

He dreads the announcement, ''Honey I'm pregnant,"  and won't consider asking her to procure an abortion

He's alert to one consequence of that announcement for the rest of his life: bills, bills, bills

Pl lease surgeon, tie his vasa

He fears advising his children that only academic achievements matter

He fears satisfying his children's material wants, but starving them of their emotional needs

He fears wondering whether he will be too harsh or too soft on them when they misbehave

Pl lease surgeon, tie his vasa

He fears teaching his children that boys play and girls cook

He fears teaching his children that boys hunt and girls get hunted

He fears teaching his children that boys persevere and girls cry

He fears teaching his children that boys study sciences and girls study arts

He fears teaching his children that boys ogle at girls' bodies and girls lust after boys' wallets

P  lease surgeon, tie his vasa

He fears forbidding his children from drinking alcohol yet he will be a bar life member

He fears forbidding his children from littering, yet he will throw a cigarette butt out of the car window

He fears advising children to read widely, yet he won't read anything beyond a newspaper

He fears advising his children to stay cool, calm and collected at all times, yet he will hoot endlessly in traffic and stab the air with his middle finger

P  lease surgeon, tie his vasa

He fears advising his children to be faithful to their future spouses, yet he will keep a mistress

He fears demanding a share of his children's salaries when they begin working

He fears dismissing his daughter's potential husband as unsuitable for her if he isn't from an affluent family, yet welcome his son's potential wife

He fears dying without enough money to pass on to his children

P  lease surgeon, tie his vasa

copyright 2007 festus mbuimwe aka wamoronjia 

They keep our flag flying high

While some politicians threaten 'foreigners' with eviction from their constituencies

While some politicians show their grief at funerals by preaching politics

While some politicians suspected of wrongdoing insist on staying put 

Kenyan athletes' feet pound the ground and they win the Olympics 3,000 metres steeplechase

While some high school students experiment with alcohol and narcotics

While some high school students express their frustrations through arson

While some college lecturers demand sexual favours

While some college students give in exchange for excellent grades

Kenyan athletes' feet pound the ground and they win the Boston Marathon

While some women salivate after men's money

While some men lust after women's bodies

While some wives nag their husbands

While some husbands batter their wives

Kenyan athletes' feet pound the ground and they win the New York Marathon

While some matatu crews tamper with speed governors and refuse to wear uniforms

While some matatus' windscreens sport fake insurance stickers

While some matatu conductors 'forget' to return your change but are quick to bribe traffic police officers

Kenyan athletes' feet pound the ground and they win the London Marathon

While some officials mismanage sports associations

While some officials mismanage local authorities

While some officials mismanage educational institutions

Kenyan athletes' feet pound the ground and they win the Rotterdam Marathon

While we throng entertainment joints every weekend

While we frantically do our Christmas shopping on Christmas eve

While motorists splash rainwater on pedestrians when it rains

While cattle rustlers murder, steal, burn and rape during every raid

Kenyan athletes' feet pound the ground and they win the Beijing Marathon

While we watch foreign movies and cheer foreign musicians

While we wear foreign clothing labels and shoes

While we drive used, imported vehicles

Kenyan athletes' feet pound the ground and they win the Fukuoka Road Race

While banks pay us low interest rates on our deposits and charge us high interest rates on loans

While we 'invest' our hard-earned money in pyramid schemes

While we hand over title deeds and log books to shylocks in exchange for 'instant' loans

Kenyan athletes' feet pound the ground and they win the Nairobi International Marathon

Copyright: 2007 festus mbuimwe aka wamoronjia   

   

The government is to blame

We elect leaders depending on the depth of their pockets and the sleekness of their tongues

But when they don't fulfill their promises to build roads, schools, hospitals, dams and the like

When they skip parliamentary sessions, sleep during the annual budget speeches, and continuously defect from one political party to the next

We claim the government is to blame

We buy goods and services depending on the price, not quality

Yet when these goods and services turn out to be inferior

We claim the government is to blame

If we like a book we don't buy it, we borrow or steal it

If we like an artiste's music we don't buy the CD, we 'burn' it instead

Yet when our authors and musicians die poor we 'mourn' their deaths and claim the government is to blame

We lack the patience to invest for the long term

So we fall for tricksters who promise to double, triple or quadruple our money in weeks

By the time we realize we have been conned it's too late

And claim the government is to blame

We buy TVs for our children but we don't monitor what they watch

We backbite and insult other people in their presence

We drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes in their presence

Yet when they become social misfits, alcoholics and irredeemable smokers

We claim the government is to blame

When we are advised to use condoms to avoid unplanned pregnancies we say we can't eat sweets with wrappers on

When we are advised to stop discriminating against women to reduce poverty we say traditions are supreme

Yet when aborted fetuses are found in dustbins and poverty levels rise we claim the government is to blame

We know the criminals terrorizing our neighbourhoods but we don't inform the police

We know the peddlers supplying narcotics to our teenage children but we don't inform the police

We know the brewers whose illegal brews render our men conjugal non-starters and economically unproductive but we don't inform the police

Yet we claim the government is to blame for runaway crime, drug addicts and sexually deprived relationships 

copyright 2007: festus mbuimwe aka wamoronjia